People often ask me, "How's life with two?" Life with two is good, but the truth is that I feel like I have three babies to care for. Nope, not talking about our energetic golden retriever who still digs holes in the yard and eats her poop when she doesn't get enough attention. And thankfully I'm not talking about my husband who is more hands on with our kids than any other dad I know (not to mention cooks 75% of our meals, cleans the house, and even folds laundry).
I'm talking about my firstborn, For Goodness Cakes. I birthed this baby over 8 years ago, I am proud of it and it will always be in my life. But it can often be more high maintenance and less rewarding than my living and breathing babies. It keeps me up late at night and it demands attention that is hard to share with the other two. I love my cake business and I am so thankful for its existence and success. But the challenge of having it along with 2 youngsters (all under the same roof) is at times enough to do me in.
Isabelle has her moodswings, but the adorable things she says and the sound of her little voice bring me such great happiness. Collier has had his feeding issues and wakes me up in the wee hours of the night, but just look at this face...
...his smile erases all anxiety and stress (for a few minutes at least!).
Don't get me wrong, the cake biz is very rewarding. The pink stained hands, the aching back, the burn scars on my arms, the neverending pile of dirty dishes in the sink, the sickening smell of sugar (by Sunday I am over that smell!)...those negatives are outweighed by my feeling of accomplishment when I've created something I'm proud of. Or when the beaming mother-of-the-bride returns the cake stand, telling me that her daughter's wedding cake far exceeded their expectations in both taste and appearance.
The thing with three is that I rarely have just one all to myself. I have great help divided up between Brian, my mom, and my baking assistant, Jen. But it's still a constant juggling act and I definitely learn to use every spare minute I have. I can draw sketches and chat with customers on the phone while pumping breastmilk. I can check emails on my phone while nursing. I can make buttercream with Collier in the bjorn. I can decorate a cake while Isabelle is watching George. And when the two babies are sleeping, that's when strangers enter my home for meetings and tastings. On the rare occasion that I have the ability to devote all of my attention to one baby, I gotta make every second count. That's why I love the 30 minute swim class with Isabelle. That's why I'm ok with Collier's (very) early morning feeding. That's why I need to spend almost every minute of Fridays in the bakement.
When we bought our house 7 years ago, I was thrilled at the prospect of making some cakes downstairs, raising some babies upstairs...hey, I could safely work till 2 am and not have to worry about walking out to a dark, creepy parking lot. I could even choose to wear my PJs while icing cakes! (I quickly learned that sleeping in greasy, sugar encrusted flannels is not cozy.) I am so thankful for the flexibility that this little business in the bakement has allowed for me, but at times I feel like the walls of our tiny house are caving in!
I've had a nice week of "recovery" right before Easter, but recently there have been many moments of exhaustion, anxiety, and breakdowns. Several weeks ago I had a cute young engaged couple over for a cake tasting and was mortified when my child who was supposed to be a reliable napper decided to have a temper tantrum during most of my meeting. She was in her room, about 20 feet from my dining/husband's office/cake tasting room. Meanwhile Brian was trying to calm/console her while soothing a hungry(?)tired(?) 12 week old. I was very relieved to know that the bride was a pediatric nurse...but I haven't heard from them since. On that day I wished I was forking out a fortune to pay for a retail space at Phillips Place.
A couple weeks ago I was thrilled to make mini cupcakes for the cast of Wicked, here in town. It was a rare day that I decided to complete the order on the day of the event. Never a good idea (sorry people, but your cakes are not baked and decorated 1 hour before you pick them up). It was a perfect storm...recipes flopped, cupcakes were overbaked, babies woke up early from naps just after daddy left for a run, and I ended up with less than an hour to finish decorating, deliver and set-up the cupcakes. I really thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. After they were delivered, I drove straight to my parent's, sat in the (big, clean, quiet) kitchen with my mom, and was comforted the same way I have been my whole life, with her, in that house. Sometimes moms need to be babies.
It all ended ok:
The past month has been overwhelming, exhausting, and stressful. Life with three makes the first weeks with a newborn seem like a breeze (or maybe that's just "momnesia"). Life with two was doable. I love devoting my time and energy to the living, breathing babies that cuddle up with me, smile and laugh. But I know that I am a better mom because I have the 3rd child (my business). I would be craving a creative outlet if it was just me and the kids at home. I wouldn't appreciate every minute with them quite as much. I wouldn't be me without all three.
At least that's what I tell myself.
I just recently came to the realization that this is the happiest, hardest time of my life. I've been blessed with a pretty smooth-sailing life so far. It could get harder, and it probably will. But I'm not sure I've ever felt more happy, more exhausted, more stressed, and more blessed all at the same time. Finances are as tight as ever. I feel pressure to work more than ever. Our house feels the smallest, most cluttered it's ever been. But I have these beautiful, healthy, precious beings in my life. I love babies and I love children. I have two of my very own. Their existence in my life brings me peace, comfort and so much joy!
My favorite times of the day are when I take Isabelle in to greet Collier as he wakes up, or when I get to bring him in to see Isabelle after her nap. She climbs up the side of the crib and he always smiles when he sees her. And when he and I enter her room after naptime, Izzy eagerly looks up with a big smile and says "Collier's awake?!" We all have some snuggle time and she pats him, then kisses him. Sometimes she tells him stories or sings him songs. She adores him.
Here Isabelle is singing, "if you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet!"
Of course there's going to be some little brother torture along the way in this sibling bonding. Right now he is just like a baby doll, a bit too heavy to carry, but he fits quite nicely in her stroller.
The other person who brings me up when I am down and gives me strength when I am weak, is my wonderful husband. When I was working on cakes one Saturday, I looked out the window to see this.
They were making fairy houses together. A small part of me was sick that I had to stay indoors and work. But a big part of me was so very grateful that I can look out the window to watch my children, that I have the flexibility to come join them for a few minutes when I need a break, and that my kids have their amazing, devoted (and creative) daddy.
I am so in love with this face!
Below are just a few of the cakes created by For Goodness Cakes this month:
Collier was great company during the stress-inducing hour of wedding cake assembly.
Three's a crowd, but also a great privilege.
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